Neil: Pre-Production Script - complete.

[6 months after Johnny Galiano and Eddie Falcone were arrested they decided that they have had enough of being mafioso]

Galiano: Hey Eddie.

Falcone: What's up Johnny?

Galiano: This being a mafioso, you like it?

Falcone: It's alright. Doing whatever we want, it's amazin, that's power, that's respect.

Galiano: Yeah with that, there comes prison, and the bosses don't care unless we co-operate, we do the dirty work yet we get treat like fuckin dirt.

Falcone: Johnny! Fuck ya saying? You ain't gonna rat are ya?

Galiano: Of course not, but I'm gonna do somethin even better, I'm gonna show that being a gangster ain't what it all cut out to be. You know YouTube?

Falcone: Yeah, my kids love it.

Galiano: We'll make our own video, how to be a gangster.

Falcone: Don't think Carmine will appreciate this.

Galiano: I don't care about Carmine, he's done nothin for us.

Falcone: Whatever you say Johnny

[1. extorting]

Galiano: Hey YouTube how you doin it's Johnny Galiano from Sunderland and I'm joined by Eddie Falcone from South Shields, we're here to teach you how to be a gangster.

Falcone: Step 1 to being a gangster, is being able to extort businesses. For generations mafia families have made a lot of money from protection rackets, threatening to put a brick through a shop owners window if he don't pay em. Here's an example

Galiano: How ya doin sir, personally, me and my son love comin to the shop, always have. To protect ya from any accidents, pay me, and i'll make sure nothin happens to the shop.

Falcone: [as shop owner]: How you doin sir, why don't ya go fuck yourself?

Galiano: [Narration] If the owner is giving you a hard time, show him you mean business. Marone! If you don't pay I'll make sure they find ya kneecaps in every dumpster in town.

Falcone: Take it easy... I thought you were some Guido thug. [hands money over].

Galiano: Next time you see my face, show some respect.

Falcone: I...I will.. Sorry Johnny.

[2: how to kill]

Galiano: Heh heh, another good quality for a gangster is being good at doing hits. What we mean by hits is uh, killin people. John Gotti's on Paul Castellano was that well done and public, it was named the hit of the century.

Falcone: To be a good hitman, you gotta be quick and precise, can't be stuttering in front of your target or he'll get the upper hand on ya.

Galiano: So how do you do it? How do you kill people, well I'll tell you. You gotta get up close, and bada bing you shoot em 3 times in the head, dead and done.

Falcone: Ain't you gonna show us Johnny?

Galiano: Hold your horses Eddie, I gotta call Vito to leave me a gun to do this. [On the phone] Hey Vito, I need a piece, can you sort me out? I'll give you 10% of what my pizza joints make this month. Sorted. Now, to the demonstration.

Falcone: Johnny's gonna shoot me 3 times in the head, the Moe Greene special is what we call it. That's how I killed Anthony Lombardo, heh.

Galiano: Say hello to your mother!

Falcone: My what?

Galiano: [Imitating Tony Montana] MY LITTLE FRIEND.

[Fake gunshots ring out, Falcone falls to the ground]

Galiano: And that my friends, is how ya whack somebody.

[3: what to say to police]

Falcone: [Hand gestures] When ya get arrested, like me and Johnny have, you gotta keep your mouth shut to the police, they're the losers who wanna get us put in jail for life when we're just trying to make money.

Galiano: Agreed, and funnily enough the police don't focus on the Pietro crime family but us the DiFalco's, we're public enemy number 1.

Falcone: Anyways, the police, just say nothin. They have nothing on you and they want to fake a confession so they get some brownie points

Galiano: [Getting handcuffs ready] Now we're going to show ya how to react while getting arrested. This is what happened when I was just a soldier working under Eddie 'AK' Angelina

Falcone: [Pretending to be a police officer] Come on Johnny, back to the can you go.

Galiano: I ain't telling you nothing, scum, all cops are scum.

[2 hours later]

Falcone: Now Johnny, let me tell you what I want.

Galiano: What do you want? Frankie Valli tickets? Sinatra CD's?

Falcone: Funny, we want you to inform against your boss, Eddie Angelina.

Galiano: Well I want to know what happened to JFK, guess we're both out of luck.

Falcone: [Looking agitated] Now this isn't 1984, I can't make you disappear, as much as I'd like too. So will you budge or not? If you don't tell me anything you'll go to prison for 2 years. 

Galiano: Fine, just tell my girlfriend I'll be late for our dinner, thanks, moron. 

Falcone: See you later Johnny, one day you won't be so lucky, one day you'll be dead in a ditch betrayed by your so called friends.

Galiano: Yeah yeah yeah, maybe you'll build a case against one us one day too, all swings and roundabouts.
Falcone: See ya.

[Skit over]

Galiano: That's what you say to the cops, nothing. Cosa Nostra is our thing, nobody else's.

[4: end]
Galiano: That's a few steps on how to be a gangster, we hope that we've shown that being a mafioso ain't all Godfather and Goodfellas, it's nothing but violence, murder and always having a target on ya back.
Falcone: But we took an oath
Galiano: We did, Cosa Nostra till I die.